(The Daily Wipe™) Exclusive Interview with Bush Labor Secretary Elaine L. Chao

In the wake of today's disappointing reports on the unemploment rate and non farm payrolls, TDW™ gained a one on one interview with Elaine Chao (who also happens to be the second wife of Republican Senator Mitch McConnell, but no one knows that, not even Senator McConnell).

TDW™: So Mrs. McConnell, what do you think of these horrendous employment reports?
ELC: (Silence, but with a stare that would curdle milk at a hundred yards)

TDW™: So Ms. Chao, what do you think of the horrendous employment reports?
ELC: We here at the Bush Administration are committed to returning this country to the proud footing it had before those Democratic sleazebags kicked out Dubya's Daddy.

TDW™: Actually, Bush Sr. lost the election because the economy was not doing well, correct?
ELC: Shut up. Anyways, as part of our Leave No Stone Unthrown© reelection campaign...

TDW™: No Stone Unthrown©?
ELC: I meant No Stone Unturned©. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Shut Up. Anyways, following in the footsteps of Saint Ronnie Reagan, I have a plan to revitalize this country's workforce, and thus its economy.

TDW™: Which particular footsteps were those?
ELC: Don't you remember when Saint Ronnie solved the school lunch budget crisis by reclassifying ketchup from condiment to vegetable?

TDW™: I do remember something about a vegetable...
ELC: Shut up. Anyways, the problem with our economy (not that there is one, everything is being solved by our brilliant president)...the PERCEIVED problem with our economy is the decline in manufacturing jobs. Manufacturers lost 56,000 jobs last month, the 35th straight decline. Since a recent peak in July 2000, factory employment has fallen by more than 2.6 million to 14.7 million.

TDW™: Thats not good.
ELC: Well, service jobs are doing quite well. And here lies the genius of my plan. When someone makes a hamburger at McDonalds, what are they doing?

TDW: Performing a service, by serving someone a nutritious meal based on the three main food groups: grease, salt, and sugar?
ELC: Shut up. What that person is doing is MANUFACTURING a hamburger! So you see, we are going to reclassify employment in the fast food industry from services to manufacturing. I expect this will add 10 percentage points to GDP expectations immediately.

TDW™: Isn't that like trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear?
ELC: (Milk curdling stare). You use too many neurons, don't you?

TDW™: I've been told that, sometimes.
ELC: That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you MMM board people. This alleged "Three Neuron Method™". Saint Ronnie perfected that two decades ago! By 'res ipsa loquitor' you people have no right to that patent.

TDW™: Excuse me, but didn't Saint Ronnie really perfect the "Zero Neuron Method™"? Impressive work to be sure, but probably beyond the capabilities of your average Neurosuction™ customer.
ELC: I guess you have a point there. Saint Ronnie truly was working without a net...or even a strand. But I digress...what do you think of my plan?

TDW™: Well, for one, service sector jobs just do not have the multiplying impact on the overall economy that manufacturing jobs do...How do McDonalds jobs add to overall economic activity?
ELC: (rolling her eyes) What dunces these many neuroned morons be. Shut up. Eat enough McDonalds meals and what happens? You need to buy a new pair of Dockers®. How's that for a multiplying impact, doughboy? This interview is over.

TDW™: Wait, I heard this funny joke about the Bush Administration, called 'things go better with bush...'
ELC: (pushes button on her desk...secret service agents rush in with drawn pistols) If he says another word, shoot him.

TDW™: OK, perhaps some other time for that joke.

~thunder for TDW™