In statements filed with the Terror Finance Commission in Islamabad today, al Qaeda announced it's investment portfolio had lost 83% of its value this quarter, primarily due to its heavy investment in VIDE stock.

Ayman al-Zawahiri and Osama bin Laden appeared on al Jazeera TV this evening to attempt to quell rumors spreading in bazaars from Karachi to Damascus. Mr. al-Zawahiri announced that al Qaeda's treasurer, Suleiman bin Salim and several of his deputies had been beheaded for their roles in the fiasco. Mr. bin Laden announced several cost cutting moves to allay concerns among nervous terror financers regarding the group's ability to continue as a going concern.

Mr. bin Laden announced the group would shutter several regional offices as well as put a freeze on recruiting for the current year. He also stated the group had cancelled plans to relocate their corporate offices to a larger cave.

Mr. al-Zawahiri said the group is currently searching for a new Treasurer. Reliable sources indicate Bernie Madoff is considered the front runner for the position.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters he was not surprised by the announcement. "I'm approached by dimwit CEO's selling useless stocks every week. That's why I keep all my money in Treasuries." Mr. Ahmadinejad did confirm rumors that he had inquired with VIDE management about any "radioactive assets they might be willing to part with".

In other news, Apple issued a recall of it's popular iPhone today, announcing it had forgotten to include the "phone" feature. In a press release, Steve Jobs said, "oops".